To be or to be|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Sunday, November 5th, 2006|
|it's been too long
WHEN did Neighbors become such a hetero orgy fest? Jane described the scene as carnivorous. An apt term for the experience of faceless grasping hands and grinding groins. I was having fun dancing, but it's kind of disturbing that there are grown men out there thinking that behavior was acceptable. Melissa was called an "Anorexic Asian Bitch" when she told this guy to back off. And while she was dealing with him, some other guy ran up and started grinding on her. I think we were on the dance floor for maybe a minute before I had my ass grabbed three times. Phil had an outside view and said it looked like we were surrounded. Definitely predatory like a jungle scene in a b-movie. We left after about a half-hour. Too bad. We paid $8 bucks apiece - they should have paid us since we were the show.
I think something is wrong with Laz. He's been whimpering for a few days, and seems down.
It's his leg, or foot, or shoulder. Not sure. But I'm worried.
|Wednesday, July 19th, 2006|
|Left- or Right-Brained in Love?
|You Are Left Brained In Love|
Cool and clearheaded
Tend not to get swept away
Dependable and trustworthy
Able to look at thing objectively
Honest and direct in relationships
Rely on standards when picking a man
Good at solving relationship problems
Ready to compete for your sweetie's heart
Articulate, a good conversationalist, and witty
Think overly romantic displays are a waste of time
A few serious boyfriends as opposed to many flings
Notice all of the details about your guy - good and bad
|Thursday, July 13th, 2006|
The Stillness of the Reef
Peaceful valley of harmony
Is where I want to feel
It's impossible to see ahead
When I am looking behind
That just brings again
What has already been
Distracted and irritated
Even by the sound of my own footsteps
Seeking to be blown away
It's impossible to see ahead
When I'm looking behind
Missing the flavor of the expanse
Starting to see the value of breadth
I didn't see the value until I got HERE
It's gift was slow and steady
It's hard to see everywhere at once
When trying to watch my step
On a path never before tread by me
I can't look around
Until I stop moving
This place, this expanse
Doesn't try to be
It is still
Managing precarious positions
How hard that is.
Loosening the hold
The urge to control
It's impossible to see ahead
When I'm looking behind
But perhaps I will see
When I look back
A sign I wrote for myself
Reminding me to look forward
To that which I want in my life
Not the joys or sorrows that
I remember again
-in car, just left Ontario, OR, 9:22am 7/3/06
experience of Capital Reef National Park, Utah
Picked up an old friend today, and started reading excerpts. "Notes to Myself—My struggle to become a person" by Hugh Prather. It's written mostly as stream of consciousness (obviously with editing;-), and there are no chapters or even page numbers. Was compelled to keep reading everything about communication, which is at least a third of the book.
Got stopped by a desire to journal about a snippet: "'All I want is to be loved.'—Wanting to be loved, to be lovable, is not really a desire for how I want to be, but for how I want others to be." I wonder to myself, is this true? It's wanting someone to reflect back to me that I possess the qualities that they value, which is in fact about them. Hmm.
And then I sit here and see another bit that speaks my name: "While I am worrying about what you think of me I am not open to you, I am not letting you in; in fact, I am not letting you exist as a person—I am making you my mirror. While I am concerned about what you are thinking about me I am not even thinking about you." This also means that I am relying on you to tell me who I am, and what my value is. And you might be just as unreliable a source as my own mind.
There are so many philosophies of life out there. The quest is to find the combination that brings me the greatest consistent satisfaction. And that does not always mean I will be happy. I also know that I persistent conflict for me is being able to accept contradictory feelings, i.e., loving someone and resenting them at the same time.
I've been writing in a paper journal as well, thought after thought about a relationship I'm trying to resolve for myself. I write my entries as if to him, as if it were a conversation that I were actually willing to have. I have been doing this over the last week since returning from a joint road trip to the SW Utah desert, and my thoughts and feelings are in constant flux. And trying to pin them down is more often than not frustrating. And I want to be more relaxed with that state of confusion. But I am so used to being able to express myself, and right now I am trying to express fears and emotions, that once scribed, seem far less weighty or meaningful. Current Mood: awake
|Wednesday, July 12th, 2006|
|To ease my pain
The only way I could ease my pain
Was to make you wrong
To distance you in my heart
And now your face
Seems so unfamiliar
Your hug sadly unknown
I can only remember us
As we were
I sometimes think
That I should have filtered my honesty
But my fear and hurt
Compelled the release
Of the truth in my heart
That we no longer shared
The deeper part of ourselves
That drew us together
We are now polar opposites
Of when we first met
You seem on top of the world
Flitting and buzzing
With work, with dating
Overwhelmed with the
Feeling that the world is your oyster
And not wanting to lose
Less friendly with your darker side
Only wanting to see the light
So foreign must I seem now
Though not wanting it to be so
Dwelling as I am in my cycle
Of death and rebirth
While you seek only the sun
To grow and bloom
Perhaps you will reconnect
With your Other
And I will no longer feel so
We will again be closer
On the spectrum of emotion Current Mood: sad
|Friday, July 7th, 2006|
Came back to add a new image for my icon, and realized it's a waste of my energy to resent MW for moving his life. I can move again on my own and stop using him as an excuse. It's my choice. And I'm sure I will waver...;-) Current Mood: curious
|Getting in touch with anger
So I've been having the same thought for several months now. That during my courtship with MW I gave him a chunk of my mojo. And now he seems to have tons, and I feel like I have very little. When we met I was at the top of the world, and let's just say he was not. Insecure and searching for direction. Now? Now he's full of passion and drive and enthusiasm. Me, last year. And I resent it. I feel like I poured so much energy into being open and trusting with him, that I poured my energy right into his gas tank. And it even pisses me off that he's now saying he wants to take dance lessons. I asked him about the very first night we met, cuz I had been going with Matt and was sooo enthusiastic.
I know that believing MW has my mojo is not good for our friendship now. And it keeps me from rebuilding some more of my own as easily. But it feels hard to be around him when I am now the one insecure and questing for my life's purpose. But it feels good to put it down and get it out there, so I can take a look at it outside of my head. So often when I look at him or hear him or see him, I am reminded of feelings I'm not supposed to have anymore, and also now forced to over and over to see that he has the joy and enthusiasm and fearlessness I had. And I feel lacking and like I'm wasting my life. I think I may have a pattern of surrendering my passion and freedom to certain people in my life, and then resenting them because they become my passion and I am then too enmeshed in their life and help with their success instead of my own.
I had a great pilates session tonight. Laura and I were both surprised at how aligned I was after two weeks off. All those Utah hikes and concentration paid off in keeping me balanced. My short spine was the most even and smooth ever! Very cool considering how mentally unbalanced I felt going into the session - on the verge of a meltdown and tears of frustration. I ALWAYS enjoy my pilates sessions and have never wanted to skip one. They always pull me back to center, and my complete sense of self. Which is one of the big reasons I wanted to do it. To use my body to help focus the mind, AND get strong in my physical core as well. Striving for that mind/body balance, so they can support each other.
I pulled a great card from my Mother Earth deck right before I went to pilates. I love that deck, its roundness, the master art that looks like a turtle shell, that it was a n inspired gift. I was nervous about drawing without first clearing the deck or my psyche. I was so distraught and feeling controlled by my negative thoughts. And looking for something to help calm and ground me. And then the card came up the 2 of Swords, which is supposed to represent finding balance, peace, calming the mind, and can also represent components of the opposites as well. The Swords suit represents the mental realms and the realities the mind creates. Very appropriate! The art on the card itself was very soothing - a woman standing in the yoga crane position entangled in an infinity symbol, on the beach with two islands behind her, and a real crane standing next to her. Current Mood: hopeful
|Thursday, July 6th, 2006|
I feel trapped by MW's perceptions of me. And his belief about my perceptions of him. Also trapped by my concept of who I am - and who I've been - with him. Found some great links using reference to the book "Soulcraft" as an interest today. Charons-Path, primalfire, and unsteadily, are all journalers I'd like to keep reading. Found references to some texts I'd like to check out as well: Prometheus Rising, Angel Tech, and Quantum Psychology. And to a lesser degree: Sun Signs for Writers. Put them all into my Amazon wish list.
Yesterday's word drawn from MW's spell check: "reawaken". Defining terms of these verb are "to rouse from a state of inactivity or quiescence. To restore a feeling or state. Synonyms referenced: reactivate, reanimate, rekindle, renew, resurrect, resuscitate, revitalize, revive, revivify, restore, return. I now add, "regenerate".
My reaction to his email was that this word sounds ripe and energizing - something to look forward to and encourage. I copied and pasted into a Word doc to post on my fridge, as I think it's important for me to remember these elements of my nature, RIGHT NOW. Necessary and critical to getting out of my hole of stagnation and lethargy. Part of Kathleen's description of me on Friendster was "resilient". I want more than just to brush the dirt off and keep walking - I want continuously firmer footing with each digression. Current Mood: pensive
|Wednesday, January 11th, 2006|
|have patience with me...
I'm just learning how to use LiveJournal. My very persistent friend has been trying to get me to post for several years now!
My partial entry below was spawned by contact with another person who shares my birthday, but not my year. Completely concidental find, as I was not searching for others with my birthday, just looking at the interest of "synchronicity"! I must say, I agree with much of description below - I often suspect that my purpose in life is to assist others in getting to where they need to go. A living guide to pose questions and help direct more effective thought when invited...
So here's my first real entry. I suspect I may become an addict if I allow it! Current Mood: inconsistent
|my life path?
Current Mood: curious
|Your Life Path Number is 8|
Your purpose in life is to help others succeed
You are both a natural leader and a natural success. You are also a great judge of character.
You have a head for business and finance. You know how to make money.
A great visionary, you can see gold where other people see nothing.
In love, you are very generous - with gifts, time, and guidance.
You love to inspire people, but it can be frustrating when they don't understand your vision.
Great success comes easily for you. But so does great failure, as you are very reckless.
You are confident, and sometimes this confidence borders on arrogance.